...aaaaaaannnnnnd, here it is. The first installment of "what D&D might look like in real life," here for your reading enjoyment. Hopefully--well, hopefully you do enjoy.
"Mornin, Sunshine," the chipper purr of the elf's voice rolled through the motel room.
"Bah," Tarn said, eyes opening as his head didn't quite rise from the thin pillow. "Samanthia," he growled, "ye bard's senses must know I like neither mornin' ner sunshine."
"Nice try, ye grumpy grump," the bard said, her lithe form darting about the room packing the suitcases. "I know two things, actually. One of those is that you've got to get up, sooner or later, and preferably sooner, because otherwise we'll miss the checkout time for this fine establishment you checked us into last night. Second, you're a human, not a dwarf, so don't go adopting that ridiculous accent."
"Ridiculous! Why, I ne'er...." a voice roared as a stocky figure sprang up from the floor, fists up and ready to fight.
"The priest's accent was ridiculous, you must admit. It was nearly as ridiculous as the name your player chose for you, Andouille," a smooth voice slid into the conversation. Priest and dwarf warrior turned angry faces toward the male elf who was sitting in the corner, deftly flipping a coin between and through his fingers.
"Bite me, Aerandir," Tarn said as he pulled his stocky body from the bed and dropped the holy symbol of the earth deity over his head before starting to don his metal-reinforced armor.
The elf rogue snapped his teeth together, feigning the action of giving the priest what he asked for. He then grimaced and said, "Tastes like old dirt."
"You wouldn't know what new dirt tastes like, would you?" Tarn asked.
"Sem day, Aerandir, ye're ginna anger me too far," the dwarf said, rising from the blankets he'd piled on the floor.
"Sem day, ye're ginna anger me too far," the elf mimicked, getting the inflection perfect as he danced away from the clumsy dwarf's charge across the round table that was omnipresent in cheap hotel rooms, over the below-window air conditioning unit, and into a rolling spin over one of the two full-sized beds. He ended up perched atop the wall light fixture between the headboards.
"Boys," Samanthia chided, "Please come on. Tarn, please get your stuff--and your earth--stuff--together. I'm serious, we have to be out before checkout time in order to make our next destination."
"...which is where?" the third elf, Sephiline, asked.
"Dothan, Alabama," Samanthia said.
The room fell silent for the first time that morning.
"What?" the bard asked, her pointed ears drooping in curiosity after several long moments of silence, the entire room's eyes focused on her.
"Why are we going to Dothan, Alabama?" Tarn asked, his voice rumbling through the silence to ask the question that was on everyone's mind.
Samanthia's eyes lit up as she explained, "It's less than a full day's trip from here, and it's close enough to the ruins in the forest that we're headed to that we can get there the next day with time left over to explore. It's perfect."
"It's also double points at your hotel, isn't it?" Aerandir asked while casting a suspicious look the bard's way.
"Well, yes. And it's ten percent off. We'll make the trip back cheaper than it cost to travel to the ruins."
"By that point, though, we'll be rich, both in gold and in ex-pee," Sephiline said. "Why do you need the points, too?"
"Well, if we strike it rich, then nobody will care about the points. If we don't, then we'll be glad to have them, right?"
"Riiiiight," Aerandir purred. "Because the last time we used your points went so well."
"That was actually our fault, if you recall. We made the reservation so late that they had nothing to give us but the room beside the elevator shaft."
"Our fault, nothing," Tarn chimed in. "We got elevator shafted."
"Yeah, lass! Wha' he sed," Andouille cheered.
"Oh, shut up, dwarf," Aerandir said, prompting an obscene gesture from the fighter. "Look, as much as it pains me to say it, the bardess is right. We need to get on our way. Now, rather than later, please."
The party finished packing their bags, quietly grumbling, and sauntered out the door to face another day on the path to their dungeon crawl destination.
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