Losing Weight

"Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork." ~English Proverb

"Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake." ~Author Unknown

"The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends." ~Author Unknown

Let's face it--writing isn't exactly the most active of professions. Neither is running a college, for that matter. Thus, over the past few years I've added some pounds to my frame. Not a HUGE amount, mind you, but--oh, hell, it is a huge amount. I'm over 100 pounds heavier than I was when I ran the Marine Corps Marathon, if that tells you anything. And it should.

Put another way--I got a kick out of the scene on the last episode of The Amazing Race, where the Pulikali Tiger Dancers were shown and the guys from Kentucky had to paint one of their bellies. The dancers all had about the same physique as me, which makes the tiger's face kinda stand out (in more ways than one). I thought briefly about using something like that next time I go to the swimming pool, but realized all it would do is cause the kids to say "look at that fat man with the picture painted on his stomach" instead of just "look at that fat man."

*sigh* I need to lose weight. So my doc says, and so it shall be.

Ah, yes--my doc. Last Wednesday my wife and daughter went to his office for an appointment, and he explained to my daughter how hard it can be to curb the appetite when we're under stress because stress causes some something somewhat hormone to be somethinged and it somehow triggers appetite. So I get there on Friday and nod and tell him that yes, I have stress, and I'm having trouble controlling my appetite.

Bummer, he says.

Due to a lack of good ideas from the doc, when I went to the pharmacy (to get a prescription filled, of course) I looked around. Man, they have a lot of weight loss products there. Have you ever seen that section? I know, most people only glance sideways at it if they allow their eyes to be diverted at all. "Nope, can't have people thinking I need a weight loss pill," we all say. It's as bad, I think, as the porn section at the video store or gas station. "Oh, look magaz--er, hey, look at those chips over there."

But I stopped. And looked. At the weight loss products, not the porn--I heard you thinkin' it. Hell, I need something to curb my appetite; otherwise I end up at about 3:00 pm every day getting up to "take a walk" that ends at the vending machine. It's not pretty what happens there, I tell you what.

Anyway, there are a lot of choices at the pharmacy, all claiming to be "the ONLY dietary supplement that's clinically proven to ____." Sheesh.

Finally the medicine I'd come for was ready, so I decided to brave a question of the pharmacist. NOT, not, not not not, and certainly not the old "What weight loss product would you recommend?" question, mind you. Nope, no way would I ask that. I think pharmacists take an Expressions 101 class in their pharmacy school. I can just imagine the lesson on "weight loss product questions": "Okay, now imagine that your neighbor has just asked for your camera to take a picture of a UFO. That's close. Now, he says they're purple and furry. Closer. Now, he says they want to marry your daughter. Right! That's the correct expression to use when a customer asks about weight loss products."

Nope, I asked about products to curb my appetite, which sort of the same thing but a skosh smarter. At least, it doesn't generate the "You must be nuts" look, so it must be smarter. Anyway, he said something interesting:

Metamucil.

Huh?

I'm serious. Apparently the dietary fiber curbs appetite. Not wanting to argue with the guy for fear that such activity would then cause the "You must be nuts" look to come forth, I went and purchased a canister of the orangey stuff. Got home and unpacked the groceries and got a funky look from the teenagers: "Metamucil? Aww, dad...."

"No, it's not for, um, down there. It's appetite suppressant. Really."

Seems to be working, at any rate. After drinking it I feel like I've eaten a softball. One thing I've learned, though: mix it with cold water and drink it immediately. Immediately, I say, right after removing the spoon you used to stir it in. Otherwise, if you give it time to set, it goes down like partially-firm jello. Mixed with sand. Ugh. Ptooey.

Anyway--probably best now to head off to happier topics. Y'all have a great week!

- TOSK